“How did it come to be like this?!”

I know I haven’t written in a long time.. I’ve just lost a lot of motivation in life.. but that’s not what this post is about.

At work today, I was thinking a lot. I know it sounds weird.. but do you really ever take time to just stop and think? It doesn’t have to be about anything, it can just be following your thoughts and memories… But.. that’s for another time.

There was an elderly couple at Target today, and they were using one of our motorized carts. The battery died and so I was told over the walkie to find another one. We didn’t have it so I had to get a wheelchair. The elderly man was trying to push his wife in this heavy motorized cart. It’s so heavy that even I have a hard time moving the thing. When we finally got them the wheelchair, I thought that it was the end of it.

I was wrong.

I went to make my final checks in my supply closet which happens to be right next to the bathrooms. Apparently the elderly woman had fallen while trying to get into the bathroom. Her husband tried to help her but he had fallen too. I saw his hand as he was leaning against the wall. His withered, wrinkled hand.. The blood vessels were almost black, and his knuckles were slightly bleeding from his fall. I talked to the front end manager and was given permission to help them out by pushing the wheelchair that the eldery woman was in so the elderly man didn’t have to.

Apparently, the elderly woman was changing her diaper; she wasn’t able to do it by herself and consequently made a mess in the bathroom. One of my co-workers that works in the clothing department went to help her as the assets protection person and I waited outside and helped as much as we could by diverting others and getting supplies. When she got out, she just wanted to get the one bottle of advil they had managed to get and go home.

I wheeled her over to Guest Services to ring up the bottle of advil. She was in tears, most likely from embarassment. As soon as she finished buying it, I wheeled her out towards her car while my co-worker helped her husband along. The things she told me.. I can’t remember the last time I was this sad. She told me about how they had no family or friends left… it was just the two of them. They were easily in their 70’s or even 80’s, and they looked it. Their skin draped from their bones with massive wrinkles and creases. Her husband’s eyes were cloudy and turning slightly yellow with a milkish texture…

The elderly woman was extremely upset but thankful that we were taking care of her. I was worried about them driving home. She told me about how her husband recently had a stroke. It looked like it too, the old man didn’t look like he had much life left in him. He didn’t remember where they parked but the woman did. It was really bad, this was right before closing at around 9:40PM and there weren’t many cars left in the parking lot. When we got closer to the car, the old woman was sobbing. They had no one, and their health was failing.

I will never forget the words she said as we got close to her car. She sobbed, “How did it come to be like this?!”  Those words pierced me whole, like a scorpion stinging a rabbit’s soft flesh. I can’t remember the last time I was shaken up this bad. It’s been a long time since i’ve felt strong emotions like that.

As we were walking back inside, my co-worker told me something the elderly lady said. She told me that the elderly woman had said she wanted to just go home, go to sleep and never wake up. That is one of the most depressing things i’ve ever heard. It made me wonder about how this country treats the elderly.

If I manage to live as long as they do, will someone take care of me? Will the way we view elderly people be different then? That’s assuming my frail body even makes it that long, which i’m not too sure about. It must be so hard, having everyone you’ve ever known, be it friends or family to all die before you and leave you alone when you need help the most. It’s certainly changed the way I look at life.

Superbad, DVW PPV2, and Thoughts…

I’m going to pretend like I haven’t been lazy and have been writing all this time up until now.. If anything, blame SecondLife…

Today was the second Pay per view of DVW, Death Valley Wrestling. That’s John’s backyard wrestling thing. I went with him and it was fun as always, and I took a choke-slam from John’s friend Chris (Emperor). It didn’t hurt even though the fall was kind of far and rough.. They will probably put it up on YouTube eventually.

 I went to see Superbad with John. Oh my god.. that movie is soooo funny. I was laughing the whole time. I recommend going to see it. Sarah Bear was supposed to come with us, but she fell asleep and didn’t get my messages… I’m going to miss her when she goes off to college on Thursday. All of my friends are going off to college… I’m one of the only few staying behind. It’s so depressing… Especially since I once had feelings for some of these friends that are leaving. Julie, a friend and co-worker is leaving today (Sunday) to go to Connecticut… It feels like all of my friends are leaving… I guess me listening to Killswitch Engage – The End of Heartache isn’t exactly helping either… I’m just tired of being single. It’s been almost 4 years now… I’m not really feeling in the mood to write tonight, but hopefully i’ll start doing it again.

Diploma.

Today was my last official day at Mill Creek. I graduated high school, after 4 full years of going to Philadelphia. I don’t really know what to say. I mean, theres so much stuff that has happened to me in the past four years since I’ve been there that one post alone wouldn’t be able to do it justice. I guess i’ll just start off by listing some of the things that have happened to me since I went to Mill Creek.

• I met my first girlfriend there.
• I lost my virginity with a girl from there.
• I set up the computer lab for the entire school with my friend Louis.
• I was there for a full four years.
• I got a job.
• I learned how to be more social and confident.
• I made a great number of friends
• I got into a lot of trouble and a lot of crazy situations.

Some of my accomplishments are the following from Mill Creek:

- Went down into the basement (catacombs) of the Kirkbride center before they declared an asbestos outbreak. Had to crouch down in order to walk, very very dark in there with all sorts of crap littered along the sides. It was a huge series of arches that were long and straight before splitting off into paths like the star on a phone. I went with Louis and Art to fix the internet for all of Mill Creek.

- Set up the computer lab with Louis and maintained all of the computers in the school for about 2 years before the staff decided to pull the plug on our unquestioned ‘administrator’ status. We told them to fix it themselves when they asked for our help again but denied our status.

- Went to 4 graduations, including my own.

- Tagged the study carol outside of the science lab. I wrote “Larson” because I hated Lisa’s Chemistry class. That’s what Greg, Mike, Dominic, Brian, and I used to call her. Larson, the really tall guy with the nail in his head from Happy Gilmore.

- Managed to go to every 6th period class for a full day except for music in one quarter.

- Painted the risers used for music. That green shit? I did it with a small roller. I got Art credit for it.

 Anyway… This is going to be all over the place since i’m kind of emotional about the whole thing. Let’s start with graduation practice for the past week. Never in my life have I had so much difficulty as to keeping a level head when kids are asked to sit down simontaneously and are unable to do so. I mean seriously, we’re about to graduate and we couldn’t all sit down at the same time. It was a nightmare. It was mostly hours of just walking together and sitting down together. Not to mention it was, as always, hot as balls in the ghetto auditorium.

I got a few teachers some gifts from me. I gave Bob a 4×6 and Janet and Jamie 8×10’s of my face to put in their office, each with their own little message on them and signed by me.  For Bob’s, I wrote “To my adopted advisor, So long and thanks for the donuts!” This was because Moira was my original advisor and Bob always brought me donuts when we celebrated my summer birthday in school. For Janets, I wrote “Now you can’t kick me out of your office anymore!” After Moira left, I started hanging around Janet. A lot. I left half of my classes this year and just showed up in Janets class until someone came and got me and yelled at me. She would always shoo me out of her office when she had to leave for class, and so I thought a giant picture of my face being a permanent addition to her office would be great. For Jamie, I wrote “Next time we meet, i’ll bring the ‘cocoa’.” I was really tired in one of her English classes one day.. Something came up about hot chocolate and I mentioned something about a cocoa plant. (Pronounced coh-coh-ah). I kept rambling on about it while she was like, “What are you talking about PJ?” I also gave a verbal gift to Mike, which I think he really appreciated. I finally had the courage to say to him that he was one of the main reasons I got my act together and really matured and grew up. I was always so intimidated by him but it felt good to finally tell him.

It felt like forever getting to 12PM, when all of the other kids left and it was just us seniors behind. I sat there with my (senior) friends who I ate lunch with this year: Dan Kimsey, Alex Bepler, and Saul Barenbaum. (Emily Geneta was off getting her hair done for prom, she had it right after graduation.) I realized how empty it was, and how different things were going to be. We sat and talked about how our loosely knit lunch group would almost entirely fall apart without us there to hold it together. I died a little on the inside and felt hollow… Pizza came. The seniors got to eat pizza and have punch… It was finally my turn after 4 years to get the seniors only pizza party. It felt different.. I still feel empty…

 Graduation itself was kind of a mess. We got to wear our robes, Black and White this year as it turned out with some Orange flower corsage. I’m not sure what kind they were. I wore a black robe. It was finally time to graduate… (My throat is tensing up as I type this, i’m starting to get emotional for the first time about this subject…) We lined up in our lines. I was behind Saul and infront of Sam M. We entered to the usual “Pomp and Circumstance.” I started walking as soon as the music picked up strongly, it made me feel important. It was blisteringly hot in the auditorium. I almost didn’t make it through the ceremony, I thought I was going to pass out from heat exhaustion. However, I made it and got my diploma!

 The reception was kind of nice, even though it was outside. The weather was 90 something degrees with 85% humidity. It was hell. However, I still managed to have a good time. I invited my mom, dad, sister, grandmother, Sarah, Joe, and Louis to graduation. I got to see some old friends who were invited to graduation and the family of some of my friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. I also felt a slight connection with Alicia again, but it was brief and it was because we were happy for the other for making it. I feel so lonely… After spending a long time there, I ended up being almost the last person to leave the reception. The teachers were already picking up chairs and stuff. I gave each of them a hug goodbye and left. I’m going to go back on wednesday to the Marsh Creek trip…

My graduation crew and I headed out to Marra’s. It’s an italian resteruant that Saul said was very good. It was actually, but I was already kind of full and the adrenaline from being on stage in front of that many people was going through me. I’m surprised that I was able to keep my cool and wasn’t nervous at all. I’ve really changed because of Mill Creek. We ordered far too much food. They came out in family portions. I had spaghetti and some pepperoni pizza. To make some strange events known that happened during dinner: I spilled a little bit of birch beer all over the table and a little on myself, I think I went into the woman’s restroom instead of mens (I can’t read Italian!), and we all got parking tickets for going over our time on the meters.

After we finished eating and all of that stuff went down, Joe went home in his own car and we took Louis to the train station before Sarah and I went home. Sarah left as soon as we got home and I opened a bunch of cards. I got around $750 worth of cash from all the cards and such. I was pretty happy. I’m going to seriously save for a car now that I have a decent chunk of change. I feel so sad all of a sudden while writing this. I’ve been at Mill Creek for 4 years. I’m not going there anymore… I feel scared and lost. (I’m starting to ‘tear up’.) I still haven’t applied to college yet or gotten my permit.. I’m a deadbeat. I’m afraid that I won’t do anything with my life… I’m afraid for all those kids that looked up to me at Mill Creek. What is it going to be like without me? Will they even care? (I think I might cry…)

I’m scared.

He’s Gone…

    Shadow is gone… I can’t believe it. Just the thought of it rips me apart on the inside and breaks me down. It hasn’t until just recently and now I’m feeling the full effects. I guess I was just in denial, I thought he would still be coming home, but he’s actually gone. I went to see him at the hospital yesterday. When I was in there I was surrounded by death. I saw other dogs and cats with severe other injuries such as a dog with one half of its face all torn up… and then there was shadow. Trying to sleep, laying on this metal thing panting with his heart racing trying to get his fever down. He had all these needles and tubes in him, even 4 of them in his neck. It was awful; I couldn’t stand seeing him like that. Katie went and petted him for a little bit but he didn’t move… The same thing with my mom, he just kind of laid there.. When I petted his ear like I usually did, he opened his eyes and looked at me. I realize now that he was saying goodbye…

    I was told this morning that his lungs had failed and that they had to keep an oxygen mask on him for him to stay alive. This was something out of a nightmare to hear. To make things worse, my mom told me she would give him one more day to get better or else she would put him to sleep. How could she give up on my dog like that?! I was so outraged. But that doesn’t matter any more. He died around 8PM, his heart just went out and he died…

    I remember when I first got him as a puppy. I was living in Minnesota at the time, and I was around 10 years old in the 5^th grade. We drove out some place in Minnesota where the breeder lived. There were all sorts of puppies there and they were all adorable. I saw him out of the three litters and he immediately drew my eye. I could tell he was a gentle and sweet dog and his color markings were dark gold which I liked. I picked him up and sat on a swing with him in my lap. I decided to call him Shadow… Later, I decided he was the one I wanted and my sister chose Sophie out.

    We finally got home and I had decided I wanted him to sleep in my room with me because he was my dog. He whined the whole night and kept me awake, but I still loved him. He really missed his mom, because he was definitely a momma’s boy. Later on, we would play together and lay around. It didn’t take much to entertain me with him and I liked it that way. However, soon I began to almost tire of him and went back to my games. He became second to them and that really hurt him. He would always come and see me to want to play but I didn’t give him any attention, so he would always go to my mom. She would give him the attention he wanted and he became strongly attached to her. He still loved me though, and he was my dog.

    I remember when we had this huge blizzard in Minnesota. Shadow loved the snow as much as I do, if not more. He was always incredibly energetic when there was snow, even when he got older. I used to love to throw snowballs towards him. He would jump up and catch them in his mouth and they would break. It was so much fun going down the hill in the back yard in a sled and having him chase me down… I really miss that.

    It wasn’t all sunshine and buttercups with him though. He and Sophie were always trying to find a way to escape from the yard and run around for a while. They used to get out every so often and they were fast back then. Granted, I was younger and smaller but I remember them getting out one time and me having to chase them for a while. I once was able to grab onto Shadow’s collar but he managed to drag me along the street which cut me up pretty bad.

    We somehow forgot to get Shadow neutered and Sophie spayed though. One summer in Minnesota, Shadow and Sophie ended up having puppies. They were so cute and adorable. There were 8 of them if I remember right. I was in the middle of the 6^th grade if I remember right. In fact, my favorite one of the lot which I named Sunny, I was able to give to my best friend at the time, Colin. I really wish I could see Sunny sometime. But I really miss those puppies. It was utterly heartbreaking raising them for 6 weeks and then having to sell them since there wasn’t enough room in the house. I remember them all stepping over each other trying to get to the food, and their first winter. I would take one of them and put them in the snow and make them jump around to try and get to me. They were the cutest things ever.

    Eventually, we moved to New Jersey. I don’t think that the dogs liked moving, and neither did I. I left a lot of amazing things and people in Minnesota… (I still miss you, Tracie)… But that’s a different story. They still managed to get out and escape our yard in Jersey as well, which was always a pain. The dogs were finally starting to get older now. Sophie was starting to get some grey and eventually while hairs on her chin and mouth and Shadow was starting to plump up and get fat.

    In the end, he was rather fat. I had stopped walking him when we moved to New Jersey because I was always having such a hard time dealing with things. Leaving Minnesota was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my entire life. We had even less of a relationship now since I was really into games like Everquest and I didn’t really feel like doing anything other than it. I really regret that now, but it’s a bit late. I still remember him recently jumping up on the sofa, with one paw on the arm rest and he would literally watch TV with me. He didn’t really come and see me anymore and he would rarely wag his tail at all for me, but he still loved me.

    I will admit that I have some regrets. I wish I had been strong enough to put the games down and give him the attention he deserved. I will try and make sure that my games never come before anything that’s actually important in my life. After all, there will never be a sweeter and more tolerant creature than that dog. I really believe that he had a heart of pure gold, which was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. The sheer possibility of an animal being able to love everyone so much and touch anyone who had ever met him is simply mind boggling. For anyone who’s ever met him, I’m sure you will miss him as well. If you have met him, please post a comment and share an experience or at least what you thought of him. I will truly miss you Shadow, and I loved you.

Alone.

    Today hasn’t exactly been the best day to say the least. I came home and found out that Sophie, one of my dogs, is sick and in the animal hospital. I also found out that my new computer did arrive but no one was here to get it and so I never got to get it today. I did get a good deed done today, but other bad things still happened to me.

    My friend Gabe hasn’t ever really had a cell phone which is a pain in the ass. To make things worse, his job is delivering pizzas so if something was to happen to him, he’d be pretty much fucked. That’s why Alicia and I decided to buy Gabe a pre-paid cell phone and a bunch of minutes. Gabe and Alicia showed up at my house and we drove out to Target. We got him a green Oyster Virgin Mobile phone which actually is pretty nice. However, right after we got it they dropped me off back at home because it was “the-two-of-them” time.

    I come home to find out that no one is there, and neither is Shadow. He is apparently extremely sick too and was taken to the animal hospital along with Sophie. However, after getting a bunch of tests done it turns out that he is ‘fit’ enough to come back home. The poor thing can hardly stand up and trembles when he does. My mom and I had to carry him upstairs because he couldn’t make it up the stairs. It pains me to see him like this after all I’ve been through with him. In fact, I’ve raised not only him as a puppy, but his own puppies as well. I feel guilty because he always came second to my games and that is really making me feel bad because we don’t really have a very close relationship even though he is my dog. I wish I had done things differently.

    That has me really stressed out, and for some reason I just feel awful. I wish I had someone here with me right now, instead of being alone.

Protected: “I’m happy anyway…” Part II.

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Stress.

    I’m not sure why, but I haven’t been feeling very well lately. I’ve been feeling very stressed out and irritable. I think it’s because I haven’t been sleeping enough lately, since I’ve always been going to bed too late but it might be some other things. I’ve been kind of tired of being single for a while now, and I wish that the gal that I’m looking at felt the same way. I’m also tired of having to do so many things at once. I just need a break, you know? I think that I will let Hakim take both my days next week since he offered to do that. At least that way I get some time to myself.

    I am almost done writing this paper for Careers class. We have to write an essay about something we believe in such as a feeling or a memory/experience that we had. It’s called “This I believe”. There’s actually a website with essays on it, but I forgot the address. Mine is on my experience with homophobia and how my friend Louis changed me as a person. I’ll end up posting the final copy when it’s completely ready, I’m still tweaking it.

    I just beat Armored Core 4. That game can be extremely frustrating but it’s still a lot of fun. I made a lot of custom mechs and mostly named them after Anglo-Saxon/Norse lore. For example, my main assault mech that has a killer sword is named Grendel. My fast and agile machine gun mech is named Nidhogg. Finally, my heavy weapon tank mech is named Ragnarok. I love playing it online because everyone has their own custom mech and logos and it’s all about self expression. I also love it because I usually really rip the opposition apart. I can take on two people against me at the same time usually.

    It’s far too late for me to be up writing still so I need to go to bed. Hopefully I’ll stop getting into the habit of writing so late so I won’t be so tired and stressed out in the future. Good night.

Locked Out.

    This kind of sucks, being locked out of my house and all. But such is life, you know? All I have to say is: Bless wireless internet! It is a lifesaver to say the least. I’m sitting on the doorstep to my house with my laptop. Anyway, some things did actually happen after Latin class, surprisingly.

    There’s this new gal apparently and she’s in my Math class. I don’t know her name, but from what I’ve seen, she’s one of if not the prettiest little thing I’ve ever seen at Mill Creek. I wonder why she decided to show up… Anyway, she was smiling at me and always trying to sneak a glance at me from the other room. She seems pretty cool, and I wonder if I should ask her to come chill sometime. Well, I’m going to tomorrow I think, maybe give her my number or something fun like that. Granted, I’m not exactly looking for a girlfriend, especially not one from Mill Creek. Not going to do that again… But she is rather attractive and possibly into me, so we’ll see where I end up; probably someplace crazy, and fun. Like always.

    In Math class I was just acting like a general fool with Charles and getting yelled at. Just like every other day. But she wanted to sit with me for some reason… I’m curious as to find out why. Maybe she’s into me, or maybe she just thinks I’m friggin’ awesome. But I’m gonna find out tomorrow when I get a chance to talk to her. Well, as long as she isn’t being swarmed by a handful of totally shallow and retarded guys like all the new girls that show up at that school. I feel sorry for them because of that, having to deal with those damn oafs who want nothing more than a peek at her tits… It’s so pathetic. But I’m not here to rant. Looks like someone is showing up to let me in the house. Pretty much have to go get ready for work now, and then sleep after. Maybe something fun will happen at work, maybe not. Either way, Life is about adventure and that’s what I plan on having. So remember: The pain of regret is worse than the pain of rejection. Don’t be afraid to try something new or to ask that girl that you like out. You never know, she might say yes. Either way, the “no” is always easier to take than the “what could have happened”.